


Scenes From the Cutting Room Floor: Season Eight

by SupernaturalPrincess9



Series: Scenes From the Cutting Room Floor [8]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, Wincest - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-31
Updated: 2015-08-31
Packaged: 2018-04-18 05:33:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 19,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4693910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SupernaturalPrincess9/pseuds/SupernaturalPrincess9
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Wincestization of the series Supernatural. At least one scene per episode.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. We Need to Talk About Kevin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Postlude
> 
> Author suggests that Season Seven of Scenes From the Cutting Room Floor be read before reading Season Eight; specifically the last chapter of Season Seven to understand the author's take on what really happened with Sam while Dean was in purgatory. The author's interpretation of that year is referenced repeatedly in Season Eight.

Dean lay awake in the bed nearest the door. Sam was snoring softly in the other bed. Only feet separated them for the first time in a year, but this chasm between them now was wider than the one that existed when Dean was in Purgatory and Sam was out in the world.

 _“I didn’t just drop out. I found something.”_ Sam had said.

“Yeah? What was her name?” Dean had asked, hoping to hell that Sam wouldn’t supply one. He didn’t want to believe that Sam would leave Kevin in the wind and would disregard everything they’d been taught for a woman.

_“Amelia.”_

_“Amelia.”_

_“Amelia.”_

Dean flipped on his side, trying to forget his conversation with Sam. He was destroyed inside. Thoughts of getting back to Sam were the only thing that kept him going while he was in Purgatory. Getting back to Sammy and losing himself in his brother’s love was what had fueled him.

And now that very brother was across the room and Dean couldn’t touch him. He _wouldn’t_ touch him.

Dean had envisioned their reunion differently. He’d thought after sharing a hug, they would catch up for a bit and then Sam would see just how much Dean needed to be touched gently… to be held by the one person who had inspired him to keep fighting in the bleak and hopeless purgatory.

He had thought Sam would pull him into his lap, kiss him… maybe they’d cry from the happiness of just being back together.

Instead, Dean found out that what fueled him didn’t mean anything to his brother. Sam had stopped hunting, he hadn’t looked for him and he had met himself a girl. Wasn’t that fucking fantastic.

Dean knew he wasn’t the same anymore. No one could spend a year fighting for their life in a world devoid of hope and not be fundamentally changed. Sam had insisted that he was the same guy… but he wasn’t the same either. The Sam Dean had left behind when an imploding Dick Roman pulled him into purgatory was not the guy who slept just feet away. Dean couldn’t understand how Sam could have just walked away, leaving Kevin on his own. The brother he had known his whole life would have never left Kevin on his own.

There was something Dean was missing. He just didn’t know what it was. He might even have to accept that he may never find out. He didn’t know how to feel about that, other than resentful and angry.

When exhaustion finally overtook him, Dean fell into a dreamless sleep. As his breathing evened out, across the room, Sam opened his eyes. His lashes were wet with tears. He ached to hold Dean in his arms. He wanted to tell him the truth about the first months after he’d disappeared. It was too late now to undo the devastated look in Dean’s eyes.

Sam shut his eyes, sending more tears coursing down his cheeks and onto the pillow beneath his head. The pain he felt now rivaled the pain he’d felt when he lost his brother a year earlier. What made things worse, though, was the guilt he felt about abandoning Kevin and failing in his search for Dean. He’d told Dean he was the same guy he’d always been, but he wasn’t. And maybe he’d never be that guy again.


	2. What's Up, Tiger Mommy?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Postlude

“And then he says, people I don’t need any more end up dead.” Dean said, thinking about failing Cas when he’d left purgatory.

“Dean… you know that’s not true.” Sam implored, his heart breaking for Dean and the pain he could see on his face.

Dean looked at Sam. For the first time since he’d been back, he could see that Sam cared about him, almost like he used to. Dean sighed. Before purgatory, Sam would have held him close, he would have kissed him and would have tried to take Dean’s pain by loving it away.

Now Sam wore his empathetic look, and Dean could see he cared, but their spark… the need – the desperate hunger – they used to have for one another. It wasn’t there. Dean wondered briefly if it was gone forever. Dean fought the urge to reach out and take Sam’s hand in his to lead him from the auction room. 

Instead, he settled for, “Let’s go.”

Sam followed Dean out to the car. Now they’d have to hunt Kevin and his mother down. Sam hoped they could find them in time.

As Dean guided the Impala down the road, Sam took in his brother’s demeanor. His shoulders were tense and his jaw was clenched. Sam knew Dean was thinking about Kevin’s words.

“Dean…” Sam said quietly. “It’s not true… you don’t use people… you save people. You’ve… saved me… so many times. There’s nothing but goodness and purpose in you.” Sam looked at Dean, his eyes sad as he thought about Dean’s pain.

Dean didn’t look at Sam. “Maybe it is true, Sam.” Dean replied. “Maybe I am the problem.”

“No, Dean… that’s not true.” Sam rejected Dean’s statement. “You’re the one who always does what’s right. I’m the one who fucks up. Your moral compass always knows true north. And that’s the truth.” Sam wanted to hold Dean’s hand right now, but he was so afraid of reestablishing that connection between them. It left Sam vulnerable. And if something happened to Dean again… Sam knew he wouldn’t wait so long to drive off a bridge next time.

So Sam didn’t reach out.

There had been a moment in which Dean had thought he and Sam were going to bridge the divide between them.

And then it was gone.


	3. Heartache

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Postlude

“I know where I’m at my best and that’s right here driving down crazy street next to you.” 

Dean lay in bed, his stomach in knots. He’d bared his soul to Sam. Told him he was everything to him… and Sam had rejected him. Dean groaned and turned on his side. He was close to tears. 

And then the whole college admissions thing with Sam looking at options. Dean was reminded of the early days when he was always afraid Sam would leave him.

And now that looked like a real possibility. Again.

_“When this is over, when we close up shop on Kevin and the tablet. I’m done. I mean that.”_

Sam had even confirmed it in the car. Dean pressed the palms of his hands against his eyelids, trying to hold back his tears.

Sam lay in the other bed, thinking about what Dean had said to him: 

_“I know where I’m at my best and that’s right here driving down crazy street next to you.”_

It would have been the perfect time to tell Dean everything he’d gone through while he was in purgatory and Sam was drinking himself into a grief-filled stupor. It would have been the time to tell him that he didn’t know the full story… that Sam was still full of fear. He knew now that he could lose Dean in the blink of an eye. And he knew that maybe next time Dean would never come back.

So, instead of reaching out, Sam pushed Dean away with talk of wanting other things. But that wasn’t what Sam wanted. He wanted what they used to have.

When Eleanor said she thought Brick drove off the bridge because he couldn’t imagine life without her, Sam had frozen… just for a second. It had been like his secret had been laid out for all to see.

_“When this is over, when we close up shop on Kevin and the tablet. I’m done. I mean that.”_

Sam had tried to get Dean to let up on his talk of being a warrior. Sam wanted him to consider other possibilities. Putting hunting behind them. Having a normal life.

Together.

But Dean would never let go and their lives would always be at risk and every day would bring the real possibility that today would be the day Sam would find himself alone again and maybe this time it would be forever.

Sam was still lost in thought when he realized that Dean was crying in the other bed. Sam’s instinct was to immediately rise and comfort his brother. Sam knew if he did that now, it would rekindle what he and Dean used to have.

And he just wasn’t emotionally ready for that. Not right now, no matter how much he missed and longed for it.

But he couldn’t just let Dean cry. Sam sat up and quietly left his bed. He went over to Dean’s bed and sat next to his brother. Sam would compromise. He wouldn’t let himself hold Dean close like they he used to when Dean was upset… but touching him was ok. 

Dean held his breath while he waited for Sam to do something besides sit there. When he felt Sam’s hand start stroking his head gently, Dean let his sobs overtake him. He’d been holding them back since his first moments in Purgatory. Dean rolled all the way over and wrapped his arms around Sam’s waist, laying his head in Sam’s lap as he cried.

Sam held back his own tears. He wanted to scooch down in the bed and hold Dean… but he wasn’t ready. So he rubbed Dean’s back and his head, comforting him as he cried himself to sleep. An hour later, Sam slowly extracted himself from Dean’s arms, carefully moving his head to the pillow.

He looked down at Dean. He was still so beautiful… painfully so. He looked fragile and childlike in sleep, causing Sam to shut his eyes tight against the waves of pain that rolled over him as he remembered how many lonely nights he’d had when Dean disappeared.

Minutes later, Sam looked at Dean one last time and then turned away. As Sam lay back in his own bed, he closed his eyes and remembered the feeling of his hands traveling Dean’s back, the texture of his hair… the warmth of their bodies where they had touched. God, how he’d missed that.

He wondered if he’d ever be strong enough to let Dean back in. All the way back in.

He hoped so.


	4. Bitten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Postlude

Sam and Dean agreed to let Kate go. They left the apartment and climbed into the Impala. Dean started the car and pulled onto the highway. 

“I feel bad for Kate, man.” Dean said. He hadn’t reached for the volume of the radio. He’d purposely left the radio off so that maybe he and Sam could talk.

Sam nodded and huffed out a breath. “Yeah… poor kid. I hope she stays on the straight and narrow. I’d feel bad if we had to take her out.”

Dean heard something in Sam’s sentence… maybe an indication that he saw them still hunting together long term… because who knew when they might encounter Kate again… if ever. Dean felt hope grow in his heart. His head told him to slow it down… Sam wasn’t the same guy anymore and if Dean let himself hope too much, if Sam left, he’d be devastated.

Dean finally said, “Yeah, me too.”

Sam thought about the video the kids had left for them. They’d picked up on the kind of relationship Sam and Dean used to have. Sam knew that meant that whatever they’d had was just there beneath the surface if one of them was strong enough to reach for it.

Sam wanted to. He hated the tension that existed between them right now. When Dean had called Sam upon his return, Sam had left Kermit immediately. No question, no hesitation. He hadn’t even said good-bye to Amelia. He’d just gone because his place was with Dean.

Deep down he knew his place would always be with Dean.

Dean saw Sam flexing his hand in his lap out of the corner of his eye. He remembered the early days between them, before they’d faced Croatoan, when they were building up to what they used to have. Before Sam would reach for his hand, he’d always spent time flexing his hand like that as he worked up the courage to reach out.

Dean reached over to adjust the volume of the radio, leaving it low. Then, instead of putting his hand back on the steering wheel, he laid it on the seat next to his thigh. He hoped that Sam would get his silent message of “please”.

Sam watched Dean from the corner of his eye. When Dean didn’t put his hand back on the steering wheel, Sam considered that Dean might be sending him a message. Sam was still conflicted, but he decided he’d try. Tentatively, Sam began sliding his hand toward Dean’s. As soon as Dean noticed the movement, he slid his hand toward Sam.

Their hands met in the middle. Dean thought it was a message from the universe wrapped up in a metaphor: if they were ever going to heal this rift, they’d have to meet in the middle. Dean sighed as he felt Sam thread his fingers through his own.

Neither brother said anything. They just let this tentative connection speak for itself. 

Words were never their friends, it seemed. Maybe now was the time for letting the quiet and this touch comfort them.

They drove on into the night in the first easy silence they’d had between them since Dean returned.


	5. Blood Brother

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Postlude

“I can see you two have a lot to talk about.” Benny said before leaving Sam and Dean on the dock.

Sam looked at Dean in disbelief. “A vampire, Dean? What the fuck?”

Dean shook his head and started walking toward the Impala. Sam reached out and spun Dean around. “You don’t get to walk away from me!” Sam shouted. “You need to explain to me what you’re doing with a… vampire, Dean.”

Dean looked away and shook his head. “It doesn’t involve you, Sam.”

“Oh really!” Sam shouted. He was pissed. “So… you call me, tell me you’re in a vampire nest and things have gone sideways… and then I bust my ass to get here to help you… and you have every fucking thing under control with some vampire dude? Does that really seem like it doesn’t involve me?” Sam threw his arms in the air in frustration.

Dean just looked at Sam and said nothing. He didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t too keen on talking about purgatory, he hadn’t shared his torment about leaving Cas behind and he sure wasn’t going to tell Sam that he and Benny had fought side by side in purgatory. Sam wouldn’t understand. Didn’t matter how many monster friends Sam had had or how many he’d slept with… having a real friend who was as close to Dean as Cas had been but was also a monster… well, Sam wouldn’t accept that.

Especially after Dean had killed Amy.

“Can we just go, please?” Dean asked Sam, trying to calm things down.

Sam looked at Dean. His eyes screamed anger but his voice was controlled. “Fine. Let’s go. But we will talk about this, Dean. So be ready.”

Dean just nodded and started walking toward the car. Sam followed, seething with anger. Dean had kept a big secret from him. Just when he thought maybe they were getting somewhere… tentative touches and maybe some emotional closeness… Dean lied. Sure, it was by omission… but it was wrong. Given what they used to have, Sam hadn’t expected this.

Sam sighed as he slid into the passenger seat of the car. What they used to have, Sam repeated to himself. It was good for him to think about that in the past tense, because it was becoming clear to him that he and Dean? They might never have that again.


	6. Southern Comfort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Postlude

_“I never once betrayed you. I never once left you to die. And for what? A girl? You left me to die for a girl?!” Dean’s voice was full of rage._

_“Benny’s been more of a brother to me this past year than you’ve ever been!” Dean continued his verbal assault on Sam. His true feelings pouring out in his wrath._

Sam looked in the mirror at the motel, remembering Dean’s rage. Sam swallowed past the lump in his throat. This wasn’t how he wanted things to be. This wasn’t how he thought things would be when he sped from Texas to Montana just to be with Dean again.

Sam confronted Dean after throwing his duffel in the trunk of the Impala.

“We both know you didn’t need a penny to say those things.” Sam said angrily. “You’ve been kicking me ever since you got back, so move on or I will.”

“Ok.” Dean said quietly. “I hear you.” Dean could see Sam meant it. Every little bit of progress they’d made recently had been destroyed by Sam finding out about Benny and now by Dean’s own words. He’d told Sam he didn’t remember what he’d said to him.

But he did. And the things he said were terrible. The comment about Benny being more of a brother to him… Dean had no idea how he would ever make up for that one. It was the lowest of the lows… the absolute worst thing he could have ever said to Sam.

Dean considered the possibility that Sam might never forgive him. And the thought of that terrified him.

As they drove away from the motel, Sam sat stiffly in the passenger seat. His hands balled into fists in his lap. He wouldn’t look in Dean’s direction. Dean felt tears threatening. He wanted… and needed… to apologize but he knew if he said anything to Sam right now, all bets were off. It might even drive Sam away.

So Dean drove. He watched the road for animals in the dark. He signaled his turns and lane changes and came to complete stops. He concentrated on driving in an effort to forget that the one person he loved most in all the world likely hated him right now.

Dean sighed as he accelerated into traffic on the highway. He had to find a way to make things better. He had a sneaking suspicion though that things could always get worse. He was going to try to avoid that, if possible. But he was worried and Sam was on edge. 

Dean missed the way they used to be. It killed him now to know that it was unlikely they’d ever be what they once were.

And it was all his fault.


	7. A Little Slice of Kevin (Intermission)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Intermission

“If you let it, this is gonna keep messing with you.” Sam said. “You gotta walk past it.” Sam laid his hand on Dean’s shoulder briefly and went to the bathroom, as long as he was up.

Dean stood there with his eyes closed. That was the first time Sam had touched him in over a week. Somewhere inside, Sam still cared about him. Dean’s thoughts were on purgatory, survivor’s guilt and Sam as he crawled into bed.

When Sam came out of the bathroom, Dean was under the covers and facing away from the window. Sam looked at his brother for a moment. He knew there were things Dean hadn’t told him about purgatory… especially about leaving it. Sam was worried about Dean’s mental state now that he’d shared he was seeing Cas randomly.

Sam went and sat on his bed, looking at his brother’s back. “Dean.” Sam’s voice was quiet in the silence of the room.

“Yeah.” Dean said tiredly.

“It wasn’t your fault… Cas being lost there. I know you. I know if it had been possible to save him, you’d have found a way.” Sam said gently.

Dean rolled over and looked at Sam. He saw the concern in Sam’s eyes. Concern he hadn’t expected to see. He realized then that Sam was far more forgiving than he was. Even after Dean had lied and had said terrible things to Sam, here Sam was trying to comfort him when he needed it.

Dean couldn’t help it; he burst into tears. Sam slid off his bed and onto his knees. He kneeled next to Dean’s bed, looking at his brother. God help him, he still loved this man beyond reason and it killed him when Dean hurt.

Sam reached out and gently wiped Dean’s tears away. “It’s ok, Dean. You did your best. You just have to forgive yourself.”

Dean looked at Sam through his tears. When he said, “I didn’t do my best, Sammy.” he was no longer talking about Cas and purgatory. He was talking about trying to understand Sam and what he went through when Dean was in purgatory. He was talking about his inability to let go and forgive Sam. He had a long history of holding onto his anger for far longer than he should.

Sam gently ran his hand over Dean’s head. “Yes, you did, Dean. For your friends, you always try your best.” Sam rose and went back to his bed. He wondered if Dean had even noticed his qualifier: that for his friends, he always tried his best. But with Sam… sometimes he just took him for granted, or worse, judged him more harshly.

Dean watched Sam slide under the sheets and turn away from him.

Sam was always so close… and yet so far away.


	8. A Little Slice of Kevin (Postlude)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Postlude

“It’s not about fault. It’s about will.” Cas said to Dean. Dean continued to argue.

It dawned on Cas that Dean wasn’t remembering things as they had really been. “Dean, do you really not remember?” Cas suddenly understood. “You remembered it the way you needed to.”

“I don’t need to feel like hell for failing you. Ok? For failing you like I’ve failed every other god forsaken thing I’ve cared about. I don’t need it.” Dean was thinking about Sam and how many times he’d fucked up with him over the years. So many times, Dean wasn’t even sure that Sam would still be with him a year from now.

Cas reached over and touched Dean’s forehead, showing him the truth of what had happened. Dean looked confused as Cas drew away.

“It’s where I belonged. I needed to do penance.”

Dean tried to understand what Cas was telling him. He had to dump his preconceived notions and his usual default position of guilt to do it. When he did, he sighed.

“You can’t save everyone, my friend. Though you try.” Cas said.

Sam walked up and asked Dean if he and Cas were ok. Dean looked at Sam. Things between he and Cas were now at a place where Dean felt comfortable so he said yes. He let his gaze linger on Sam, wishing he could get to the same place with Sam.

Sam reached up and placed his hand on Dean’s shoulder. “I’m glad you guys are ok.”

Dean reacted without thinking, placing his hand over Sam’s where it rested on his shoulder. “I want us to be ok, too, Sam.” Dean said, his eyes pleading with Sam to give him another chance.

Sam sucked in a deep breath and exhaled it. He squeezed Dean’s shoulder before pulling his hand away. “It’ll take time, Dean.”

Dean nodded and when he smiled, it didn’t reach his eyes. “Well, Sammy… if there’s one thing we always have a ton of, it’s time.”

Dean turned and walked toward the Impala. Sam watched Dean walk away. Maybe he was being too hard on Dean.

_“Benny’s been more of a brother to me this past year than you’ve ever been!”_

Sam remembered the vicious words Dean had spit at him in fury. 

Then again, Sam thought, maybe he wasn’t being hard enough on him. Time would tell.


	9. Hunteri Heroici

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Postlude

Sam and Dean left Cas behind with Fred Jones in the nursing home. Cas had said he needed to stop running. And Sam, he had realized the same.

Sam and Dean slid into their seats in the Impala and Dean pulled the car out of the parking lot, heading toward the highway. Led Zepplin filled the car with Kashmir and Dean was knocking his thumbs against the steering wheel in time with the music.

Sam, left to his own thoughts, focused on how he was feeling about Dean. Every instinct in him cried out for him to forgive Dean, to come clean about the months after Dean had disappeared… to reach out and take what he needed.

He needed his brother. 

He just wished his brother needed him. But he didn’t… not like he used to. Not the way he used to. Cas was back, Dean found a new best friend in that vampire, Benny. And Sam, who willingly left the tenuous life he’d built in Texas to be with Dean, was the odd man out. The last one Dean trusted. The last one in whom he’d confide.

Sam was so lonely. Even though Dean was just inches away… in fact, the proximity made it worse. It just reminded Sam of everything they used to have and used to be to one another. 

Sam’s heart was heavy.

Sam sighed and closed his eyes. When tears leaked out through his lashes, he let them slide down his cheeks. He didn’t want to draw attention to them. Dean would notice if he wiped them away.

Sam was startled when he felt Dean’s fingers on his face, gently wiping the tears away. Dean reached for the volume and turned the radio down. He looked over at Sam. “Sammy… talk to me.”

Sam blinked rapidly and shook his head. He didn’t even know where to start.

Dean sighed. He didn’t know how to fix things between them, but he had to try. “I’m sorry if I hurt you, Sammy.”

Sam just looked at Dean and said nothing. He wanted to say something… anything that would let Dean off the hook, but every time he looked at Dean now, all he could think about were the words Dean had said to him weeks ago… about Benny being a better brother to him.

Sam wondered just how much of a brother Benny had been to Dean.

“Can I ask you a question, Dean?” Sam asked softly. He shouldn’t ask it… but it had been plaguing him and he just needed to know.

“Sure, Sammy.” Dean said. He had no idea what the question would be, but he vowed he’d tell Sam the truth.

“Did you… Did you and Benny…” Sam paused and swallowed audibly. “Did you…”

Dean was confused at first and then he realized what Sam was trying to ask. “Sammy! No!” Dean was stunned. There had never been any other men. Dean shook his head. “Why would you even think that?”

Sam looked up at the ceiling of the car. “Because you’d said Benny had been more of a brother…”

“Sam! That’s not what I meant. It wasn’t even me saying that to you. You know that penny was cursed…” Dean was angry, mostly at himself. He realized now that Sam thought a lot about what he’d said about Benny. Dean had no idea about how to make it right, though.

Sam looked straight ahead. “Ok.” Sam said flatly. “I believe you.”

Dean looked over at Sam, assessing his expression. “Do you? Sammy… you gotta know… what you and I have… had… that’s just between you and me. There’s no one who can come between that and it’s nothing I’m gonna share with anyone else.”

Sam nodded but still didn’t look at Dean. He was glad that Dean and Benny hadn’t been… intimate.

“Besides,” Dean said, “You’re the one who went and found something else.” Dean closed his eyes. Goddamn it! Why did he have to add that? He knew why… it pissed him off that Sam had so easily replaced him. The thought of Sam sliding his cock into someone who wasn’t Dean drove Dean crazy with jealousy. 

Sam looked at Dean. “I thought you were dead, Dean.” 

Dean nodded without looking at Sam. “Yeah, I know.” Dean sighed. “Let’s just leave it like this: the last time I got off, I was straddling you on a loveseat and it was fantastic. The best. I loved having you inside me. I loved every fucking second of it.” Dean blinked his eyes rapidly, fighting tears. “And I fucking miss it, ok?”

Sam thought about what Dean had said. It was good to know that he missed it, too. “I miss what we had, too.” Sam said.

Dean noted the past tense. 

Message received.


	10. Citizen Fang

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Postlude

When Sam hung up on him, Dean’s heart felt like it was going to burst. He should never have used Amelia against Sam like that. What had he been thinking? Had he really gotten to the point where he’d hurt his baby brother to keep his monster friend safe? 

Because that’s exactly what he’d done. He knew Sam had left Amelia to come to him and then he used his feelings for her to keep him away from Benny.

That was some fucked up shit.

Dean grabbed his phone and searched for directions to Kermit, Texas. He looked at the route, memorized it and then threw his phone back on the seat of the Impala. 

The good news was he had several hundred miles to think about what an asshat he was.

And there was no doubt about it. He was an ass. Because he couldn’t let go of the anger he had at Sam for not having looked for him. Dean was still crushed and devastated by what he considered to be an almost unforgivable betrayal. But if he were going to fix things between he and Sam, he was going to have to find a way to let it go. This time, for real and forever.

Dean left the music off because he needed time to think. He’d been so angry for so long, he couldn’t imagine what it would feel like to just be happy and feel… light. He remembered times when he’d felt that way. Before Sam had gone off to Stanford… they’d shared a summer of fun, spending time together every day. After Dean had picked Sam up from college… when some of the pain of losing Jessica had worn off, there’d been many times he and Sam had just… gone to concerts or movies or amusement parks.

And then… when he and Sam first got together… the butterflies, the newness… the wonder of it all.

But then Sam had died and Dean had been angry ever since. Varying degrees of angry, but angry nonetheless.

As Dean got closer and closer to Kermit, he tried to find the zen inside himself. He needed to handle this right… keep the anger to a minimum… not be defensive… and beg Sam’s forgiveness. Because if he didn’t? 

Sam would leave him forever this time.


	11. Torn and Frayed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Postlude

Sam and Dean shared dinner on the loveseat they’d once made love on so long ago. Dean remembered every moment of their last time together… the way it felt to take Sam so deep inside him… the way they’d held each other as they cried. God… how they’d loved one another.

Those days were such a far cry from the way things were now. Dean was going to try to get them back there. All the way back there because he still needed Sam like he needed air. That had never changed and it never would change. He just had to find a way to show it.

They didn’t talk as they ate the simple meal Sam had prepared. They hadn’t even clinked their drinks together, as was their usual custom. It was a tentative truce. There was so much left unsaid between them. 

Dean considered telling Sam that he’d called Benny and had cut him off. But he couldn’t quite find the words… and he didn’t know if Sam would believe him anyway. So he stayed quiet and remembered the days before Dick Roman… when he and Sam had been so deeply in love. He vowed to find a way to get them back there. He’d do anything to feel that love again.

Maybe in time.

Sam wondered if Amelia had showed up at the motel room. If he were a betting man, he’d say yes. If she was still thinking of him first thing in the morning and the last thing before she went to sleep… then it was a good bet she chose him. Sam felt guilty for leaving her high and dry… but it was better this way. With Dean back… with the potential to get back to where they’d once been… Amelia hadn’t stood a chance.

Maybe Dean could choose Benny over him, but Sam had never been able to choose anyone over Dean. Sam mentally shook himself. They were both in this now and he had to stop thinking about the past. If he didn’t let it go, then things would never be right.

And Sam needed them to be right again. Someday. Maybe not all the way right where he and Dean became everything to one another again… but to at least be brothers again… Sam wanted that more than anything. He knew he had a lot to make up for, including not finding Dean when he’d been lost in purgatory. 

Sam thought that if he’d been in his right mind, purgatory should have been his first thought when it came to places to look. After all, that’s where the Leviathan came from – why wouldn’t they go right back there? Sam shook his head at his own stupidity.

Dean stood and went to the refrigerator for two more beers. He popped the caps off both and handed one to his brother as he sat back down next to Sam. This time, Dean held his bottle out, waiting for Sam to clink his against it. Sam gave Dean a tiny smile as he did so.

Maybe they could make this work.

For now, they were content enough to know that they’d chosen each other.


	12. LARP and the Real Girl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Postlude

“Having fun won’t help me… it’ll help both of us. Shall we?” Sam said, as he extended an olive branch to Dean.

Dean’s eyes lit up at Sam’s suggestion.

And they’d had fun. Together.

As Sam and Dean left Charlie to her kingdom in Moondoor, they enjoyed a companionable silence as they drove down the road. 

After they’d driven a couple hundred miles, Dean felt the weariness start to set in. He scanned the highway for a motel. When he spotted one, he pulled off the highway and into the parking lot to grab them a room.

The brothers unpacked in silence, both tired from a long day. Sam got ready for bed first and then Dean followed. Sam was already under the covers when Dean emerged from the bathroom. Dean looked over at Sam and smiled as he slid under his covers.

“Thanks for today, Sammy.” Dean said softly from across the room.

Sam turned his head and looked at Dean. He could see the longing in Dean’s eyes and suspected that Dean might see the same in his. Sam gave Dean a smile. “Same goes… you were right. We needed some fun.” Sam nodded and then continued. “We should try to do more of that.”

“We should.” Dean said with a sigh as he rolled onto his back. God… he wanted Sam to come to him… so badly. But he couldn’t ask. There was a time Dean had no qualms about begging for Sam’s touch. Now, he was just thankful to have Sam riding shotgun in the car and having civil conversation with him.

Sam closed his eyes, fighting the urge to go to Dean. If he went to him, it would make him feel better, but it wouldn’t erase the hurt Dean had caused since he’d been back. It wouldn’t erase the things Dean had said about Benny. It wouldn’t erase Dean sending him a fake distress signal from Amelia. Sam’s heart broke every time he thought about those things. He never thought the brother he’d loved so much and had idolized since he could walk would ever hurt him to the core like that.

The worst thing was, Sam was pretty sure that Dean didn’t get just how badly he’d hurt him. If Sam had hurt Dean the way Dean had hurt Sam, he’d be begging for forgiveness. But Dean hadn’t done that. Even when he apologized, it had felt like a throw away comment… like something he had to say so they could just get past whatever was bothering poor little Sammy and get back to being warriors.

Sam opened his eyes and look toward his brother. He gasped when he saw Dean was looking back at him with unshed tears in his eyes. Dean’s eyes… they were begging Sam to move… to go to him. But Sam was afraid… if he let Dean in again, then his power to hurt him only increased. Sam already felt terrible and hopeless… if he gave Dean the power to destroy him…

“Sammy…” Dean’s voice was ragged with emotion. “Can you… will you… please?” Dean looked at Sam, trying to tell him without words that he needed him. For tonight. For right now. Dean wasn’t going to ask for forever. That had only brought them pain. But he needed Sam now.

Sam sat up and looked at Dean. He wanted to go, but he was afraid to go… it would just lead to a slippery slope ending in him… devastated and alone, if the past were any indication. Or Dean would be devastated and alone. They’d both been there.

Dean sniffled. “Just for tonight, Sammy… right now… it doesn’t have to be anything more…” Dean let his sentence trail off. He wanted it to be so much more, but he knew… baby steps because Sam was hurting and he was hurting and he just didn’t see why they couldn’t or shouldn’t have this. For right now.

Sam stood and walked to Dean’s bed. “Just for tonight.” Sam whispered as he slid under the covers next to Dean. Dean turned and laid his head on Sam’s shoulder. He closed his eyes and inhaled his brother’s musk. He’d honestly thought he would never get to be this close to Sam again.

Dean tentatively slid his hand up Sam’s chest until it rested over his heart. Sam tried to control his breathing at the touch, but the nerves lit up and he involuntarily shivered from the contact. He remembered how Dean’s touch would have him immediately turned on.

Now was no different. His body still responded to his brother’s touch. God help him… all Sam wanted to do was roll on top of Dean and drive himself into the tight, wet heat of his brother’s… Sam had to stop. He couldn’t… wouldn’t do that. Not now, maybe not ever again. “Just breathe.” Sam told himself as Dean snuggled closer to him.

Sam wrapped his arms around Dean and held him. 

In the morning, there were no good morning kisses. There was no extended cuddling. They both got out of bed separately and in many respects it was like it had never happened.

Except for the fact they both knew it did.

And they both wanted it again.


	13. As Time Goes By

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Postlude

Sam and Dean turned and left the grave of their grandfather, who had died in their arms. They said nothing as they walked back to the Impala. Once in their seats, Dean drove away from the cemetery, leaving Henry and all of the mystery surrounding him behind.

Both brothers were emotional and needed comfort. Dean reached for Sam’s hand and Sam threaded his fingers through Dean. The simple act connected them and brought them comfort.

They still didn’t talk. Dean thought about how much his family had sacrificed while Sam thought about how different their lives might have been if John had known that his father hadn’t deserted him. Dean had thought Sam had hoped for a better dad – a better upbringing… but Sam had been thinking about peace for his father. How it might have been if he’d just known that it had been beyond Henry’s control.

The way Sam not being able to find Dean had been beyond his control.

When Dean pulled into another motel along yet another highway, Sam released his hand with a squeeze.

Once in the room, Sam and Dean went to their separate beds, but neither slid immediately under the covers. They sat on the edges of their beds, looking at one another. Dean leaned forward and took Sam’s hands in his.

“Sammy…” Dean started, looking at their joined hands. “I know things haven’t been great… between us. But I want you to know that… you’re still my brother and I love you.” Dean looked up into the intensity of Sam’s gaze. “I’m always gonna love you, Sammy. If you don’t believe anything else… or trust me… I get it… but it doesn’t change the fact that… I… need you with me. Ok?” 

Dean had been about to say that he was still in love with Sam. But now wasn’t the time to broach that particular subject, so he kept it inside.

Sam swallowed. This was Dean’s attempt at healing them. Sam could see that he meant it… and that Dean needed him. Sam knew he had to choose now: pull away and destroy their relationship, likely forever, or accept Dean’s overture of reconciliation and try to heal together… even though Sam wasn’t entirely ready.

Sam decided to accept what Dean was offering. But he wouldn’t give himself entirely over to it… he couldn’t until he was able to make himself forget Dean’s actions and words.

Sam pulled Dean toward him as he slid back into his bed. “I need you, too, Dean.” Sam said softly as he laid back in the bed, pulling Dean with him.

Dean lay his head on the pillow next to Sam’s. Sam was looking up at the ceiling and Dean was on his side, looking at Sam. Dean tentatively reached up with his hand to trace the contours of Sam’s face. Sam closed his eyes and let Dean touch him.

Dean traced Sam’s eyebrows and his cheeks, his jaw… he ran his finger down the slope of Sam’s nose. Dean remembered when Sam was little and he’d pretend to take his nose… Little Sammy had always been terrified he’d never get it back… just like Dean was terrified they’d never get what they used to have back.

Dean had avoided touching Sam’s lips… but now… he needed to. He wanted to. Dean slowly ran his finger across Sam’s lower lip. Sam turned his head to the side and opened his eyes to look at Dean. Dean laid the palm of his hand against Sam’s cheek and drew his thumb across Sam’s lips again. “Sammy…” Dean whispered. “Can I…?”

A storm of emotions roiled within Sam. Dean was opening himself up to him… but Sam was still holding a part of him back… to protect himself. It wouldn’t be fair to Dean to not be 100% in this thing if he were going to let this happen. But the need in Dean’s eyes… Sam could never deny his brother when he needed him this way, so Sam nodded.

Dean slowly moved toward Sam. “Just wanna kiss you, Sammy… nothing else, ok?” Dean whispered as he captured Sam’s lips with his own. When Dean felt Sam’s lips respond to his, tears flooded his eyes. This is what he should have done in Rufus’ cabin the day Sam came back to him. He should have stowed his anger and he should have taken Sam in his arms and he should have loved him.

If Dean had just done that, then none of the torment of the last few months would have happened and he and Sammy… they could have picked up where they left off. Hopefully.

Dean didn’t deepen the kiss. He just put all of his love into the gentle presses and soft caresses of his lips against Sam’s. “I love you, Sammy…” Dean murmured against his brother’s mouth. He wanted so badly to hear Sam say it back, but he knew it was a real possibility that Sam wouldn’t. After all, Dean was well aware of the hurt he’d caused his brother.

Sam ran his hand up Dean’s back and pulled him closer, deepening their kiss. He couldn’t tell Dean he loved him. Even though he did… still and despite everything. But Sam could give Dean what he needed so he let a little bit of his passion come through in the way he kissed back and how tightly he held Dean.

Sam wouldn’t let things go any further tonight, but he gave Dean everything he could and Dean was just thankful that Sam would kiss him back.

It was a start.


	14. Everybody Hates Hitler

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Postlude

“So what… Aaron’s a JI now and you’re a Man of Letters?” Dean asked with a chuckle.

Sam huffed out a breath, fearful that Dean was mocking him.

Dean placed a glass of bourbon next to Sam. “Good.” was all he said as he took a seat across the table from Sam, looking satisfied. He wanted Sam to be safe and he loved the idea of his beautiful, bookish brother in their Bat Cave, cataloging the lore, collecting artifacts and just generally being safe and happy.

Dean leaned back and kicked his feet up on the table while Sam worked away on documenting their latest hunt. Dean watched Sam as he carefully ticked and tied everything together. Sam had sucked his bottom lip in as he concentrated. Dean thought about watching Sam study when he was younger. He always wore the same serious and focused look as he worked.

Dean sighed. He’d loved Sam for so long… and now, they had a new part of their heritage, having met their paternal grandfather. They’d learned they were legacies… and now, with the bunker, they had something that actually resembled a home.

Together.

Dean lifted his feet off the table and sat up, still watching Sam. He wondered if he should broach the subject of sleeping arrangements. Their first night in the bunker, Sam hadn’t really slept due to the excitement of finding so much information in one place. But tonight would be different and Dean just wanted to air it out.

Dean sucked in a deep breath and let it out, trying to get his heart to slow. “Hey, Sammy?” Dean asked softly, looking at Sam pensively.

Sam looked up and noted the apprehension on Dean’s face. He wondered what was wrong. “Yeah, Dean?” Sam furrowed his brow and waited for Dean to speak.

Dean looked down at the glass in his hand. He began rolling the glass between his hands, watching the amber liquid swirl inside it. “I was thinking…” Dean paused. “I found a room I liked…” Dean looked up at Sam. “For a bedroom, I mean.” Dean swallowed down a sip of bourbon. “And I thought you’d probably want to pick one out, too…” Dean looked to Sam for validation.

Sam nodded, still wondering where Dean was going.

“But… I was wondering if you’d want to… maybe…” Dean sighed. This was so hard.

Sam suddenly understood where Dean was going. He leaned across the table and laid his hand on Dean’s. “You’re wondering if we should choose a room that would be ours, right? For when we… want to be together.”

Dean looked up from Sam’s hand on his and into Sam’s eyes. “Yeah, Sammy.” Dean’s voice was raspy with emotion. He was thankful that Sam had helped him get that out. He’d been oddly nervous. He was just trying to be so careful with Sam because he didn’t want to fuck things up again.

Sam squeezed Dean’s hand and gave him a gentle smile. “I think that’s a good idea, Dean.” Sam patted Dean’s hand and leaned back into his chair, returning his focus to his work. Sam wondered if he should have said more. He looked over at Dean quickly and noticed he was looking at him, smiling. Sam smiled back and returned his gaze to his work. He’d done and said the right thing.

Dean was content to watch Sam work, but he didn’t want to creep him out so Dean decided to explore the bunker. Dean stood and stretched. Sam glanced over and noticed the gap between Dean’s shirt and his jeans… and the soft skin and taut muscles underneath. Sam felt his cock twitch in interest. He held in his moan and averted his eyes.

Dean walked around the table and stood behind Sam. Sam held his breath as he waited for Dean to do… something. Dean laid his hands on Sam’s shoulders and squeezed gently. “Gonna go explore a bit, Sammy. I’ll be back.”

Sam nodded, “Ok… I’ll be here.”

Dean walked away, toward the kitchen. He figured he’d take a look at the equipment, see if it was in working order. He smiled as he thought about being able to cook something delicious for Sam. When they were kids, they hadn’t had much in the way of gourmet food, but Dean had learned some tricks to liven things up. Maybe they’d be able to settle down a bit here… build a home. Together.

Sam watched Dean walk away from him. His eyes traveled his brother’s body, noting the broad shoulders, his narrower hips and his bowed legs as he strode confidently toward the kitchen. He had a little swag going and Sam knew that his reaching out had made Dean feel good. Sam smiled to himself as he looked back at his work.

Maybe things would be ok now. They could settle in here… learn to be together again as something slightly more than brothers… and maybe someday they’d move into their shared bedroom permanently… really making a life here together.

And then Sam remembered Benny and Dean’s words… and his failure when he couldn’t find Dean. Which Dean still thought of as “the time Sam didn’t bother to look” for him. But that part… that was Sam’s fault for not telling him everything.

Sam sighed. Every time he let himself believe that things could go back to how they used to be… he was always reminded that things had fundamentally shifted. It made him sad. Actually, it broke his heart. But maybe for tonight, they could find a little peace together.

Sam made a decision.

Sam stood and went to find Dean. He found his brother in the kitchen, standing in a pantry that was nearly the size of the kitchenettes in the crappy motel rooms they’d been staying in for decades. He looked… ecstatic. When he heard Sam approach, Dean turned and smiled huge at Sam. “Look at all of this shelving, Sammy! Think of all the supplies we could store in here…” Dean was already mentally dividing the pantry between food stuffs and spell ingredients. He was going to have a great time stocking this up.

Sam smiled at Dean. He was happy for his brother. He’d never had his own home… not like Sam had. Sam didn’t say anything to Dean. He just walked over to him and pulled him into a hug. “I’m glad you’re happy, Dean.” Sam whispered.

Dean wrapped his arms around Sam. He took a shaky breath. He was surprised and feeling very emotional about Sam’s actions. Dean hugged Sam hard. “Thanks, Sammy.” Dean whispered back. He wanted to pull back and kiss Sam… to share his excitement… but he didn’t want to push Sam too far.

Sam gently held Dean away from him and smiled down at his brother. “Do you maybe want to show me the room you were thinking about us sharing?” Sam asked softly. “I thought… maybe we could make sure it had fresh linens and stuff… for later.”

Dean blinked back tears as he leaned up and kissed Sam gently, right at the corner of his mouth. 

“I’d love that, Sammy.”


	15. Trial and Error

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Intermission and postlude

_Earlier_

“We know how this ends. One of us dies.” Dean said. He looked at Sam, who was so precious to him. He just needed him to be safe. As long as Sam was safe, Dean could deal with whatever came his way. “I’m gonna die with a gun in my hand. That’s what I have waiting for me. That’s **_all_** I have waiting for me.”

Sam looked at Dean, his heart breaking into a thousand pieces. Purgatory had taken all of Dean’s hope… his will to live… everything… Sam wanted to reach out and hold Dean to him. But Dean was hyped up... impassioned about what he was saying. Now was not the time.

“I want you to get out. I want you to have a life. Become of Man of Letters. Whatever.” Dean eyes held a look of desperation… and longing. He wanted to be the one by Sam’s side when he was old, fat and popping Viagra. “That is my perfect ending and it’s the only one I’m gonna get.” 

Dean left Sam in the house to guard the family. Sam had nothing but his thoughts. He understood what Dean was saying. But Sam didn’t want a wife and kids. He knew better now. His happiness would always be tied to Dean.

But Dean didn’t want him to do these trials. Was it really because he wanted – or needed – Sam to be safe? Or was it because he didn’t trust Sam? Sam knew he’d failed before… getting hooked on demon blood was a prime example. But the flip side of that coin was that Sam had looked at Dean and told him everything would be ok as he fell backwards into the pit with Lucifer inside him. Sam had saved the world.

He could be trusted with this, too.

_Later_

Sam was adamant about doing the trials.

“Closin’ up hell. It’s a suicide mission for you, Dean. I wanna slam shut hell, too. But I wanna survive it. I wanna live. And so should you.” Sam was begging for Dean to try. Why wouldn’t he just try to find hope again?

Sam continued. “I see a light at the end of this tunnel. And I’m sorry you don’t. I am. But it’s there.” Sam paused, imploring Dean to listen to what he would say next: “And if you come with me, I can take you to it.” It was right there, if Dean wanted to hear it. Sam was telling him that it was just them… it could be just them again.

Like it used to be.

If Dean would just trust Sam to take the lead, to do the trials… Sam would find a way for them to have a life. Together. 

But Dean wouldn’t hear what Sam was saying. He continued to argue against Sam completing the first trial.

“I’m just a grunt, Sam.” Dean had said, with finality.

Sam’s heart ached for his brother, who thought so little of himself. His true value. “You’re not a grunt, Dean. You’re a genius. When it comes to lore… and you’re the best damn hunter I’ve ever seen. Better than me. Better than dad.” Sam’s eyes pleaded with Dean. “I believe in you, Dean. So please, please believe in me, too.”

Dean placed the paper with the spell on it in the palm of Sam’s hand. He didn’t want Sam to do this. He needed to be the one. He needed to atone for hurting Sam. He needed to fix things. And this? This was all Dean knew. Take the responsibility, shoulder it like a man. Watch out for Sammy. That was his job.

And now Sam was telling him it wasn’t his job. Sam didn’t need him. Sam could stand on his own.

As Dean and Sam drove away from the ranch, Dean wanted to tell Sam that it wasn’t that he didn’t believe in him. No. It was that having Sam be in danger hurt him too much. And having Sam face the danger with him looking on? Well… that was against everything Dean had ever been taught. Dean was floundering… watching out for Sam was his job and now Sam was telling him… that wasn’t his job anymore.

Nope. His job was to follow Sam and let Sam take him to the light of the tunnel. 

Dean was filled with frustration. He’d follow Sam anywhere. He loved him. But having Sam in danger?

It was too much.

Dean knew he should try to explain this to Sam. Because Sam had felt that Dean didn’t believe in him. But like Sam months ago, when he wanted to tell Dean how hard things were when he was gone, now Dean was the one who couldn’t find the words.


	16. Man's Best Friend with Benefits

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Postlude; includes explicit description of sexual acts

Dean couldn’t stop thinking about what Sam had said to him in the motel: “I’ve been going over this and over this. Asking myself why doesn’t he trust me. It occurred to me finally that it’s not that you don’t trust me, it’s that you can only trust you.”

As he drove the Impala away from James and Portia, he knew he had to make this right.

“I trust you, Sammy.” Dean said, his voice full of pain, as he thought about all they’d lost. “This deal… locking those sons of bitches up in the furnace once and for all… it’s too important not to. So, if you say you’re good, then that’s it, I’m with you, a hundred percent.”

Sam looked at Dean. He could see Dean meant it. And that meant a lot to Sam. “I’m good.” Sam said. And then he coughed. Once, twice, a third time. When he brought his hand away from his mouth, he saw the blood. He quickly wiped his mouth and rubbed his hand on his pants.

He wasn’t good. And he knew he should tell Dean. It was time for the lies and the hiding to stop. But… Sam knew the second Dean realized he wasn’t good, then he’d put a stop to it all. And Sam needed this. He needed to redeem himself for not finding Dean. For taking up with Amelia. For so many things.

Dean reached across the seat and took Sam’s hand in his. “This ok?” Dean asked, his eyes on the road.

Sam looked at Dean. “No.”

Dean tried to pull his hand away, horrified that he’d made a mistake by reaching out to Sam. He’d thought… he’d thought that his words would help make things right. Dean tugged his hand again but Sam wouldn’t let go. 

“Dean… I just meant… would it be ok if… if I put my head in your lap?” Sam was rubbing the back of Dean’s knuckles with his thumb to soothe him.

Dean let out a long breath. He’d been devastated for a moment, but now… Sam was bringing them back to the times before purgatory. Dean felt hope grow a bit in his heart. Maybe… things would be ok.

Sam leaned down and got his head situated on Dean’s thigh. It had been so long since they’d driven down the road like this. When they were younger… in the times before Sam had to survive for a year without Dean… this position in the car had been commonplace. 

Sam slid his hand onto Dean’s thigh, using his thumb to lightly stroke Dean’s leg through his jeans. Dean slowly slid his fingers into Sam’s hair. He closed his eyes just for a moment, relishing the familiar feeling of Sam’s soft hair beneath his fingers. Dean lightly scratched his fingers over Sam’s scalp, just the way he liked it.

Sam moaned in response and tightened his grip on Dean’s leg. Dean smiled to himself. He loved when Sam responded to him like this so he got a little slower with the scratching, a little more sensual with the way he moved his fingers through Sam’s hair. When Sam shivered, Dean nodded, pleased with the response.

Dean grew a little bolder with his touch, lightly dragging his nails over the sensitive skin behind Sam’s ear and down his neck. Sam’s groan was the only encouragement Dean needed to continue his gentle caresses. 

Sam shifted a bit, trying to ease the pressure of his jeans against his hardening cock. Dean’s touches were electric. And Sam… he wanted Dean. So much. Sam looked at his watch. They wouldn’t be back at the bunker for hours.

Sam’s voice shook when he finally spoke. “Dean… can you find a motel?”

Dean let out a long breath. He gently laid his hand on Sam’s cheek. “Of course, Sammy.” Sam reached up and brought Dean’s hand to his mouth. After placing a soft kiss in Dean’s palm, Sam used his tongue to gently lap at Dean’s skin.

Dean gasped as Sam sucked one of his fingers deep into his mouth. Sam smiled around Dean’s finger. Two could play at this game. Dean was painfully hard at this point and all he wanted was to be with Sam. Sam continued to torment him with his suction as Dean desperately searched for a motel.

As soon as he saw one, he pulled off the freeway and drove straight to the office to get a room booked. He left the car running and practically ran back out to it once he had the key. Sam and Dean grabbed their gear and Dean led the way into the room.

As soon as they got inside, Dean pushed Sam up against the door. He looked Sam in the eye, his own eyes showed desire and fear and desperation and want. “Are you sure about this, Sammy? You gotta be sure… if we… and then you… and we aren’t…” Dean’s eyes welled with tears. “I couldn’t…”

Sam grabbed Dean and spun his around until he was up against the door. Sam looked into his eyes. “I’m sure, Dean.” Sam said softly just before he captured Dean’s lips in a passionate kiss. Sam was all in. He knew these trials would likely kill him… he could feel it. 

So, now, once again, they were running out of time. Sam intended to make things right with Dean so that when he was gone… and Sam had no doubts he wasn’t coming back this time… Dean could move on, knowing that Sam had loved him until the end. He could have a life. He deserved it after all the shit he’d been through.

Sam stopped thinking when Dean grabbed his face and deepened their kiss, grinding his hips against Sam… letting Sam feel just how hard he was. Sam moaned in response. This was Dean, needing him… wanting him… and he wanted him back. Sam needed him, too. “Love you, Dean.” Sam murmured against Dean’s lips.

Dean froze and pulled back, looking into Sam’s eyes. Sam could see how much Dean need to hear that. Not for the first time, Sam wondered why he hadn’t just been able to tell him before. Sam cradled Dean’s face, using his thumbs to caress his cheeks. “Still in love with you, Dean…” Sam whispered. “I never stopped being in love with you.”

Dean’s eyes welled with tears. “Sammy…” Dean rasped out, overcome by happiness. And regret. Sam leaned forward and kissed Dean’s tears away. When Sam’s tears mingled with Dean’s, Dean kissed his away, too, until they were kissing again… desperately.

“Bed.” Sam said with a gasp. Dean nodded and waved Sam in that direction. Sam peeled his clothes off as he walked to the bed. Dean made a detour to his duffel, where he immediately found the lube, just where he put it every time he and Sam left the bunker together. Each time, Dean hoped that this trip would be the time they needed it. He couldn’t believe that time was finally here.

Dean set the lube on the table and then took his time taking off his clothes. Sam lay on the bed, looking up at him. His cock hard, his eyes full of love and need. He watched Dean peel away layers. For Dean, it felt like he was peeling off his anger and frustration and fear. 

His brother still loved him.

His brother still wanted him.

Sam reached for Dean’s hand and pulled him into the bed with him. They began kissing, more slowly this time, sharing these moments. It had been almost 18 months since they’d last been together this way. Their kisses grew more passionate and their hands explored each other as though it were for the first time… and yet so familiar. They noted the changes that had happened to their bodies since they’d last been like this.

Dean could tell that Sam had lost weight since he started the first trial. Sam could feel scars on Dean that hadn’t been there before he’d gotten trapped in purgatory. It was both new and old, all at the same time.

When Sam reached for the lube and handed it to Dean, Dean looked at Sam. “Are you sure?” Dean whispered. He wanted to be inside Sam… but maybe he should be giving himself to Sam… to make up for all the shit he’d said and done since he’d been back from purgatory.

Sam leaned up and kissed Dean. “I’m sure, Dean… last time we were together, I was inside you… and after you were gone… all I thought about was being inside you. And I wanna be… but… right now, I need you to love me… I just need you, ok?”

Dean nodded as he recaptured Sam’s lips with his own. He never broke their kiss once as he prepped Sam. Sam didn’t hold back. He let his hips rock when Dean’s touch made them rock. He moaned and he gasped and he whined with need. He let Dean hear everything… and see everything… so he’d know that Sam was sure.

Dean stared down into Sam’s eyes as he sank into his brother’s body. Sam’s eyelids fluttered with desire as Dean slowly thrust himself against Sam’s prostate. “Yeah… Dean… fuck…” Sam moaned as he looked up at Dean. 

Dean dropped his head and kissed Sam. The kiss was slow and dirty and his tongue matched the rhythm he set with his hips as his thrust his cock deep inside Sam over and over. Sam cried out as he came, yelling Dean’s name repeatedly as his come painted Dean’s stomach and Sam’s chest. Dean just cried as he came deep inside Sam, murmuring, “I love you, baby brother…” until his voice gave way into sobs.

Sam held Dean so tightly in his arms. He ran his hands up and down Dean’s back, calming him, soothing him… loving him until Dean sighed and rolled to the side, still panting from the emotion of it all.

“Sorry…” Dean gasped out… “I’m sorry, Sammy…”

Sam rolled to his side, pulling Dean against him. “Shhhhh…. Dean.” Sam whispered. “It’s ok… I love you.” Sam paused. “Did you feel it?”

Dean’s eyes were closed. “What, Sammy?”

Sam breathed out before answering. “How much I love you… Did you feel it?”

Dean leaned his head back and nodded. “Yeah… Sammy…” Dean fought back another round of tears. “That’s why I lost it at the end…”

Sam kissed Dean softly. “Now you know. Just don’t ever forget, ok?”

Dean nodded before burying his face in Sam’s neck. He was so fucking scared of what the future held. He wanted to tell Sam to stop the trials… he wanted to just take Sam back to the bunker and never let him out… keep him safe there, happy. Take care of his little brother.

When Sam heard Dean’s soft snores some time later, he rolled onto his back, pulling Dean with him. Dean snuggled up to Sam with little sounds of protest for the move, but quickly he settled back into a deep sleep.

Sam lay awake for a while. He wondered how much dying would hurt when he completed the last trial. When Dean reached for Sam’s hand in sleep, Sam smiled sadly. He didn’t care how much it would hurt. It would be worth it when Dean could finally have a life that was all his own.


	17. Remember the Titans (Prelude)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prelude

Sam and Dean spent the next few weeks in the bunker, waiting for Kevin to translate the next trial. Their days were filled with searching for hunts, exploring the bunker, reading the seemingly endless supply of books and journals filled with lore, and spending time together.

Sam’s body continued to betray him. Little things… a muscle spasm here, a little vertigo now and then, a cough there, times when he felt exhausted, waking up feeling decidedly unrested. Whatever had happened after the first trial was continuing to happen despite the fact that Sam hadn’t undertaken any of the following trials. It was like he’d set something in motion within him that was slowly and fundamentally changing him inside. In those times when Sam was honest with himself, he would admit to knowing that he was dying. He could feel it inside him.

He put on a good face though, hiding it from Dean. 

He knew he should tell Dean that something was happening… after all, it was obviously too late to stop whatever it was. That ship had sailed. Sam knew in the deepest corners of his mind that it was too late to stop it from killing him. It had been too late since he finished the last word of Enochian as he chanted the spell after he killed the hell hound. But he had to be strong, keep his strength up so that he could make it through the next two trials.

Sam couldn’t let Dean down. He had to prove to him one last time that he had been worth loving, that he could be trusted and that he, Sam, would do anything for Dean – including sacrificing himself so that Dean could live in a better world.

While they waited in the bunker, Dean was busy taking care of Sam, doting on him, really. He’d make him breakfast and bring it to him in bed, serving it with a gentle kiss. Dean would stand behind Sam while he was working, gently massaging his shoulders and sometimes kissing his neck softly. Sam would sigh and lean back into Dean’s touch, thankful for his brother’s kindness.

At night, they’d sleep in their shared bedroom, holding each other, making love slowly in the darkness of the night. Dean was often the one to slide deep into Sam versus the other way around. Sam told him it made him feel loved and cherished and that he wanted to give himself to Dean. But Dean could see the tiredness behind Sam’s eyes and deep down he knew sometimes Sam just didn’t have the energy to be the one doing the work. 

Not that Dean considered sliding himself deep inside Sam to be work, of course. For Dean, it was pure heaven in the way he thought about heaven before he’d actually been there – and remembered it for once. It was bliss… sheer, unadulterated bliss and Dean could never get enough of it.

For three whole weeks, the brothers reconnected. They met each other half-way and it was exactly what they needed. They didn’t talk about how things were different now. But they both could feel it. They were older, they were a bit more weary and they’d both lost a lot of the hope that had once driven them to save the world. 

Now, they had a mission and it was dangerous but the timeline was set by them, not others, so there was less urgency, less desperation. 

For Dean, he was anxious to close the gates of hell and follow Sam to the other side of the tunnel, where they could stay in the bunker together… making a life with one another.

For Sam, his part in closing the gates of hell would be his final gift to Dean. As Sam continued to feel the changes in his body, he accepted that this was now his path and he was determined to make the most of the time he had left.


	18. Remember the Titans (Postlude)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Postlude

Seeing the bloody tissue Sam had forgotten in the garbage was weighing on Dean. He hadn’t brought it up… they’d left the bunker to check out their latest hunt – which unexpectedly turned out to involve Prometheus, Zeus and Artemis – right after Dean had found the tissue.

Dean had watched Sam like a hawk during the time they’d spent meddling with gods. Again. It was clear to Dean that something was not right… and Sam wasn’t telling him about it.

Dean went to his room for a little privacy before joining Sam in their shared bedroom. Dean was desperate to have someone besides him looking out for his brother.

“Cas, you got your ears on? Listen, you know I’m not one for prayin’ cuz in my book it’s the same as beggin’, but this is about Sam so I need you to hear me. We are going into this deal blind. And I don’t know what’s ahead or what it’s going to bring for Sam. Now he’s coverin’ pretty good, but I know that he’s hurting… and this one was supposed to be on me. So for what we’ve been through, I’m asking you, you keep a look out for my little brother, ok?” Dean looked around his room, hoping to see Cas materialize and reassure him that he’d heard Dean’s plea and would watch over Sam.

Cas didn’t come. Dean looked around his room in dismay. “Where the hell are you, man?”

Dean sighed and left his room, heading for the bathroom to brush his teeth and get ready for bed. When he walked into the bedroom he and Sam shared, Sam was already tucked in, laying on his side, snoring softly. Dean looked at the contours of Sam’s body beneath the sheets and blanket. 

He’d lost more weight.

Dean rubbed his eyes, fighting back his tears. He was so scared for his little brother. When Dean slid in behind Sam and wrapped his arms around him as the big spoon, Sam made a little sleepy noise of contentment and wiggled his hips back to press against Dean.

“Love you.” Sam mumbled before drifting back to sleep. Dean held Sam close – as close as he could get him – and silently cried himself to sleep.


	19. Goodbye, Stranger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Postlude

Sam lay in the bed of their latest motel room. Dean was slotted behind Sam, his arms wrapped around his younger brother, holding him tight. While exhausted, Sam wasn’t sleeping. He was thinking about what Cas had said to him: “Sam, you’re damaged in ways even I can’t heal.”

He’d known. Of course he’d known. But now Dean knew, too, and he wasn’t about to let that go. Between leaving Meg and Crowley in the industrial park and finding a motel room, Sam could feel Dean’s eyes on him. Dean had asked Sam not to lie to him anymore about how he was feeling and Sam had promised that he would be truthful.

Sam smiled sadly to himself as he recalled Dean’s little speech in the car. “I may not be able to carry the burden that comes with these trials, but I can carry you.” He’d basically quoted Rudy Hobbit and then insisted that Rudy Hobbit always gets a pass. Dean’s little quirks always made Sam smile.

Sam loved his brother so much. He always tried so hard to take care of him. And Sam had always been able to count on Dean – ever since they were kids. Sam hated that he’d be leaving Dean alone after the trials were done… but it helped knowing that he would be leaving Dean in a better world.

Sam thought about earlier, after they’d arrived at the motel. Dean had laid him back on the bed and had taken his time, slowly removing Sam’s clothes. Dean had run his hands up and down Sam’s arms and legs and had caressed him gently, asking him over and over to please be ok. 

As Dean slid himself deep inside Sam, he had threaded his fingers through Sam’s, pressing his entire body close, kissing Sam deeply as tears ran down his face and dripped onto Sam’s cheeks. Sam had held Dean tightly, trying to soothe him as their bodies rocked in time together. Dean had sobbed as he came, “Please be ok, Sammy… you gotta be ok… please…”

Sam had kissed Dean’s tears away, comforting him with words of love. “It’s ok, Dean… I’ll be ok… I love you, I will always love you, no matter where I am…”

If will and love could heal Sam from the damage of the trials, the way Dean had made love to Sam would have restored Sam to perfection. Unfortunately, Sam’s damage was beyond even Dean’s love. And the hell of it was, now they both knew it.

Dean had eventually rolled off of Sam, emotionally exhausted. Sam had leaned over and kissed him gently – slowly loving his mouth with his lips. “Will you be big spoon?” Sam had whispered, knowing that Dean could never resist being his protector. 

They’d been lying like that ever since. Dean shifted and pulled Sam closer, making a sleepy little needy sound as he threaded his fingers through Sam’s. Dean put a sloppy kiss on the back of Sam’s neck before slipping back into a deep sleep. Sam felt tears gather in his eyes. He loved these moments with Dean more than anything. He wished he and Dean could grow old together just like this – holding each other every night and being together every day. 

Maybe in one of those alternate universes he and Dean had discussed when they’d talked about multi-verse theory, he and Dean were together and there were no monsters and they were happy. Sam chose to believe that were true.

And thinking about them being together in another universe would have to do since Sam knew they wouldn’t be together in this one for much longer.


	20. Freaks and Geeks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Postlude

“If we shut down the hell hole, maybe those three can have a normal life.” Dean said as he slid behind the wheel of the Impala.

Sam stood outside the car for a moment. “Maybe they won’t be the only ones.” Sam said softly as he wrenched open the passenger door. He was thinking of Dean, someday having a normal life. Finding someone to spend his life with, maybe having some kids, carrying on the Campbell/Winchester blood line. Sam smiled to himself, thinking about a happy Dean living a simple life with a family he loved.

As they drove away, leaving Krissy and the other kids behind, Dean thought about hunters and normal lives. He wondered if Sam still wished for a normal life. A life without hunting.

Maybe a life without Dean.

Dean knew that as long as he were alive, Sam would never be able to have a normal life. That’s why he’d wanted to take on the trials. He should be the one being damaged beyond Cas’ ability to cure. Not Sam. Never his Sammy. Sam should be somewhere safe, somewhere… else.

Dean sighed and gripped the steering wheel more tightly. Sometimes he just wanted to drive Sam far, far away from this life. Fuck the monsters and fuck the demons… hell, fuck the angels. They could all go to hell. All Dean wanted was to go be with Sam somewhere safe, somewhere he could heal.

Dean noticed out of the corner of his eye that Sam was rubbing his right hand as though it ached. Dean had noticed Sam rubbing certain spots on his arms, too, at various times. He didn’t know what these trials were doing to Sam, but it scared him.

“Sammy.” Dean said as he looked over at his brother.

Sam stopped rubbing his hand and looked over at Dean. “Yeah?”

Dean said nothing as he stretched out his hand, asking for Sam’s. Sam slid his hand into Dean’s and wrapped his fingers around Dean’s, squeezing gently. “Thanks, Dean.” Sam whispered.

Dean tugged Sam’s hand, indicating he wanted Sam to move over by him. Sam slid across the seat and took Dean’s hand in both of his before laying his head on Dean’s shoulder.

“Love you, Sammy.” Dean said softly in the quiet of the car.

Sam turned his head and kissed Dean’s neck. “Love you back.”

And Sam did love Dean. He loved him enough to let him go so he could have a life, free of demons.

Free of the burden of his little brother.

Sam blinked his eyes rapidly. There it was. His deepest fear. That Dean loved him out of obligation. That he felt accountable for him and maybe even held back by him. 

Sam sighed and held Dean’s hand more tightly. Hopefully it would all be over soon and he could be at peace and Dean could have his life. That’s all Sam really wanted anymore.


	21. Taxi Driver

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Postlude

“It’s ok.” Sam gasped. “It’s done.”

Dean looked at Sam, his face a mask of concern and desperation. He had to find a way to save Sam. There had to be something… just one thing… that would save his Sammy from all of this. Dean wrapped his arm around Sam’s waist and helped him to his feet.

“I’m sorry about Benny…” Sam said again. He’d really let Dean down this time. He’d left his friend behind in Purgatory… a friend who had been more of a brother to Dean than Sam ever had, according to Dean. Sam felt tears gather in his eyes as Dean half-carried him to the car. Now Dean was left with the lesser of the two.

“It’s ok, Sam…” Dean said, his voice thick with emotion. He had suspected that Benny might not come back with Sam, but he’d been willing to send Benny anyway – because Sam always came first for him. Always. “I wasn’t surprised he didn’t hitch a ride.”

Sam didn’t understand why Dean would have sacrificed Benny if he even thought that. Then he remembered Bobby – and his mission to free Bobby’s soul. Of course Dean would have done anything to get Bobby out of hell. 

“I’m sorry all the same.” Sam whispered as Dean propped him up against the Impala.

Dean looked at Sam. It was clear he was hurting. Dean pulled him into another hug, holding him tight. “All I care about is that you’re here – you got out. That’s what mattered to me.” Dean whispered next to Sam’s ear.

But Sam didn’t hear Dean. Instead his ears were ringing and a sharp pain ran through his head. Sam let go of Dean, grabbing his head with his hands. “Ahhhh….” Sam moaned as he bent over at the waist. 

“Sammy!” Dean yelled, reaching for his brother. “It’s ok, I’m here.” Dean knew this was anything but ok, but he didn’t know what to do. “What can I do?”

Sam was panting. He had to play through the pain. Dean had said as much to Kevin… so he was going to do it, too. “I’m ok… just help me into the car.” Dean did as Sam asked and when Sam was settled, Dean ran around to the driver’s side and slid in, quickly starting the car and heading toward the highway.

Later, Dean thought that since Sam seemed a little better, he should come clean about Benny.

“You ok?” Dean asked quietly.

“Yeah, I’ll live.” Sam’s voice was flat. It was clear he was tired and potentially in some pain. Dean didn’t want to upset him, but he didn’t want to lie to him either.

“I buried Benny, but I didn’t burn his bones… after he said he’d get you out, it just didn’t seem right. I know you got no use for him but…” Dean couldn’t finish his sentence because Sam had jumped in.

“No, no, no… I get it. He’s a little different than I thought. Go ahead and leave the door open if you want.” Sam nodded, indicating he was ok with it. Maybe, after he was gone, Dean could find a way to get Benny back. It would be good for Dean to have a friend if Sam were no longer around.

Sam didn’t want to leave Dean alone, after all. He just wanted to set him free.

With two trials down, Sam knew his time with Dean was going to be short. He vowed to make sure he was strong enough to complete the third trial and with his last breath, he’d say goodbye to the only person he’d ever really loved. 

And then Dean would be free for the first time in his life. Sam smiled at the thought of a Dean without obligations in a world without demons. It was all going to be worth it.


	22. Pac-Man Fever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Postlude; includes explicit descriptions of sexual acts.

“You gonna let go?” Charlie asked.

Dean looked to the side and then unflinchingly met Charlie’s gaze. “Never.”

Charlie smiled, nodding. “That’s my boys.” She knew there was no way Dean would ever let go of Sam. And no matter what happened while Dean was in purgatory, there was no way Sam would ever let go of Dean. She was glad they had each other.

And she was glad she had them. “I love you.” Charlie said to Dean.

“I know.” Dean said with a smile. He watched Charlie drive away before turning and heading back into the bunker. Dean trotted down the stairs and into the main room. There was just one thing on his mind at this point: Sam.

When Sam saw Dean walking straight at him after saying goodbye to Charlie, he knew he owed Dean an apology, so he stood and opened his arms in a placating gesture.

“Ok look… you were right… I should have laid low… I shoulda hung back… but I am glad I was able to…”

Dean walked right up to Sam and pulled him into a fierce hug, holding him close and trying to say everything without saying anything. 

Sam finally wrapped his arms around Dean. He didn’t understand what was happening, but he held onto his brother, just for a moment, letting himself take in Dean’s love – which he needed more than air, even now.

Dean released Sam and looked him in the eye. “What do you say we go find our prophet?”

Sam nodded, thankful for Dean’s inclusion of him in the effort. Dean took Sam’s hand and led him down the hallway and into their shared bedroom. Sam looked at Dean in confusion.

“I thought we were going to go find Kevin?” Sam asked.

Dean tugged Sam into the room. “First things, first, Sammy.” Dean led Sam to the bed, pushing him softly back onto the bed. Sam looked up at Dean. Dean’s eyes held a soul-deep sadness that took Sam’s breath away. Sam reached for Dean, taking his hands in his own.

Dean kneeled down between Sam’s legs. “You ok, Sammy?” Dean asked softly. “Ok enough for…” Dean let the sentence trail off. Sam knew what he was asking.

Sam let go of Dean’s hands and brought his hands to Dean’s face. Sam ran his thumbs over Dean’s cheekbones. Dean was still so beautiful. Maybe a few more crinkles around his eyes when he smiled – not that he’d done much of that lately – but time had been good to Dean Winchester. “So beautiful…” Sam whispered as he memorized his brother’s face. He hoped when it was time for him to let go of this world, he could call up this image of his brother, looking up at him with love on his face. The sadness – he’d have to work to forget.

Which would be hard to do since Dean’s eyes had filled with tears when Sam had called him beautiful.

Sam pulled his brother’s face to him, kissing him softly. “I’m good enough to have you inside me.” Sam whispered into Dean’s mouth. 

Dean shook his head and pulled back. “Want you inside me, Sammy. I know your energy is… low… so I thought maybe I could ride you…” Dean let Sam consider that option. Neither brother knew the other was thinking of the last time they were together before they took on Dick Roman, with Dean riding Sam on the loveseat in Rufus’ cabin.

Dean had to believe this wasn’t going to be the last time he’d be together like this with his brother. Sam suspected it may very well be the last time, so his kissed Dean and nodded, letting his brother know that he was onboard with the plan.

Dean rose and pushed Sam back into their bed. He kissed Sam deeply and Sam met his lips with the same passion. Dean straddled Sam and unbuttoned his shirt as they kissed. Dean slowly rocked his hips against Sam’s, working to get just the right friction to turn his brother on. Sam pushed up against Dean as he worked Dean’s shirt off of him, too.

Dean pressed his bare chest down onto Sam’s, rocking harder and kissing him deeper. Sam loved the feeling of Dean’s skin against his own. He ran his hands up and down Dean’s back, encouraging his rhythm. Dean began kissing his way down Sam’s chest, stopping to flick each of Sam’s nipples with his tongue. 

Sam arched up and moaned as Dean used his tongue to lick lower and lower. Dean moved his legs between Sam’s, using them to leverage Sam’s apart as he unbuckled his belt and unzipped his jeans. Dean looked up into Sam’s eyes as he eased his jeans down, freeing his cock.

Sam watched Dean wrap his lips around the head of his cock. Dean closed his eyes as he sucked Sam’s cock deep into his mouth. He used his tongue to tease the tip. When Sam moaned and arched into Dean’s touch, Dean smiled around Sam’s cock. He loved the way Sam responded to him.

Dean moved his legs again so he could slide Sam’s jeans all the way off. Dean slowly withdrew Sam’s cock from his mouth, placing a soft kiss at the sensitive spot where the head met the shaft. He then stood and quickly took off the rest of his clothes and grabbed the lube from the drawer of the bedside table.

Dean squeezed lube into his hand and warmed it. When he was satisfied that it wouldn’t be too cold for Sam, he wrapped his hand around Sam’s cock and began stroking it, covering it entirely with lube.

Sam reached out for the lube. “Let me prep you.” Sam said, his voice low and urgent. 

Dean shook his head as he reached behind himself to spread a generous amount of lube on himself. “No prep, Sammy.” Dean whispered. “Just me and you… wanna feel you.”

Sam looked pensive. “But…”

Dean quickly straddled Sam and kept him from talking with a kiss. “It’s ok, Sammy.” Dean murmured against Sam’s lips. “We’ve done this before… and it was incredible.”

Sam waited while Dean positioned himself and began rocking back onto Sam’s cock. As Dean took more of Sam’s cock inside him, Sam reached for Dean’s hands, threading their fingers together. They held hands and looked into each other’s eyes as Dean took more and more of Sam inside him. When he finally had Sam all the way inside him, Dean sat back and closed his eyes, feeling the fullness of having Sam so deep inside him.

When Dean opened his eyes, he saw Sam looking up at him with nothing but love in his eyes. Dean smiled down at Sam as he began to ride him. “Love you, Sammy.”

Sam pushed up into Dean… the tightness, the heat, the wetness… he loved it – and his brother – so much. “Love you, Dean.” Sam moaned as Dean tightened around him.

Dean pushed Sam’s hands up above his head and began riding him in earnest. He kissed Sam, moaning into his mouth as Sam thrust up into him. They moved together, full of emotion: love, fear, hope, desperation, sadness, doubt, terror. It was all there below the surface. The emotion fueled their actions, increasing the passion.

Sam let go of Dean’s left hand and brought his right hand to Dean’s cock, wrapping his fingers around it. He stroked Dean’s cock with the same rhythm Dean used as he fucked himself on Sam’s cock. They were so close. Dean picked up the pace, his mouth open and panting and his eyes shut tightly with the bliss of having Sam so deep inside him. 

Dean let his orgasm rush through him, covering Sam’s hand with his come. When Sam felt the hot stickiness of Dean’s come on his hand, he let go, too, filling Dean with his seed. Dean fell forward, kissing Sam ferociously, devouring his lips with his own in his need to love his brother.

Sam moaned into Dean’s mouth as they continued to kiss, letting the aftershocks of their orgasms ripple through them. Sam held onto Dean, loving the feeling of being close to him like this… where nothing but them mattered.

Dean finally rolled off Sam and pulled him into his arms in one smooth gesture. He kissed Sam’s temple, letting his lips linger. It was a familiar move that Dean often did after they made love. Sam leaned into the kiss and Dean held it longer than usual.

Normally, they would talk a little after sharing an experience like this, but this time, they just held one another close as they pondered their own thoughts. 

Dean wondered if this would be the last time they were together before Sam completed the trials. He thought probably so since Sam was getting weaker. He needed to conserve his energy… not expend it. But Dean had needed to be with Sam like this… especially after seeing Sam in Charlie’s dream. 

Dean knew what scared him: being without Sam. He couldn’t allow that to happen so he was going to take care of his little brother and then nurse him back to health after they shut the gates of hell. And then? Dean had already planned a long vacation for them… it was nearly summer and Minneapolis would be beautiful this time of year. With the demons locked away, he was going to take Sam somewhere he loved… and love him.

While Dean thought of the future – when he and Sam could be together in a demon-free world, Sam was thinking about the future, too. He was sorry he wouldn’t be around to see Dean finally be happy. There was nothing he loved more than a happy Dean, his face lit up with a smile. Sam hoped that, once Dean had grieved for him, he’d set off on his own… maybe hand the bunker over to Kevin and then just go find a life. It was the best Sam could hope for.

When Dean pulled Sam a little close, Sam tightened his hold on Dean’s waist as he was brought back to the present. Sam kissed Dean’s neck softly before finally drifting off to sleep. Dean held Sam close and joined his brother in slumber.


	23. The Great Escapist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Postlude

Dean was driving the Impala away from Metatron and his crazy love of stories. He couldn’t stop thinking about what Sam had said in the hallway right before they’d found The Scribe.

“I remember thinking I could never go on a quest like that because I’m not clean. I mean, I was just a little kid. You think maybe I knew that… deep down I had demon blood in me and the evil of it… and I wasn’t pure?” Sam’s face was full of soul-deep agony. 

Dean’s heart had broken for his little brother. All these years… saving the world… and Sam still felt unclean, dirty… spoiled. Dean couldn’t even imagine what must go on in his brother’s head. He tried to absolve him as best he could by saying, “Sam, that doesn’t matter anymore.”

But Sam didn’t want to hear Dean’s message. He didn’t want to believe that it just didn’t matter without some kind of tribulation on his part. “It doesn’t matter anymore, because these trials... they’re purifying me.” Sam’s face had held such hope… and terror… all at the same time.

Dean wasn’t sure if Sam was right or not. Maybe that was what was happening as part of these trials. Maybe he was being purified… and the demon blood was finally being purged from his system. But even if that were true… Dean had considered Sam’s slate wiped clean when he got his soul back from hell. Maybe not entirely wiped clean of Sam’s actions back then – or even before he had saved the world – but certainly being spit-roasted in hell before being brought back was enough.

Regardless, they now knew exactly what needed to be done to seal the gates of hell forever.

Dean looked over at Sam. “Cure a demon. Ignoring the fact that I have no idea what that actually means, if we do this, you get better, right? You stop trying to cough up a lung, and bump into furniture.” Dean was hoping to see Sam brighten – he wanted him to forget about not being pure and just focus on completing the trials and getting better. So they could be together.

Sam looked over at Dean. He knew Dean didn’t want to hear the truth… that he was getting worse. That he was dying. So he settled on a way to avoid directly answering his brother’s question. “I feel better, yeah. Just having a direction to move in.” Sam hadn’t said he would physically get better. And Dean didn’t seem to notice, having heard what he wanted to hear.

Dean nodded as he returned his eyes to the road. “Good, cuz where we’re headed doesn’t sound like picnic.” Dean always included himself in these types of statements, to show that he was on Sam’s side. But in reality – Sam was doing this by himself. Dean could support him and tend to him and love him… but at the end of the day – Sam was the one who had the burden, as much as Dean hated that.

“But we’re heading somewhere.” Sam said definitively. “The end.”

Dean looked over at Sam, his brows furrowed. “What do you mean, ‘the end’?”

Sam shrugged as he looked out the passenger side window. “Just what I said… it’ll be the end… of the demons… of fighting hell. The endless loop of demon creation and exorcism that we’ve been living since we were kids.” 

That hadn’t been what Sam had meant at all, but he wasn’t going to say anything to Dean.

He’d meant it would be The End… the big END. The end of them, the end of the demons, the end of both their collective and individual pain. It would be the end of Dean’s hunting obligation… and his obligation to his little brother. Sam smiled when he thought about it all finally just being over.

Dean checked the road and then looked back at Sam. “You sure that’s what you meant?”

Sam reached for Dean’s hand and brought it to his lips. “Yeah… Dean… I’m just glad that I’m going to be able to shut the gates… and we can let go of this.” Sam looked back out the window, hoping Dean wouldn’t ask for clarification of what “this” was. He wanted him to think he meant of hunting demons. With any luck, Dean wouldn’t dig.

Dean looked down at his hand in Sam’s. He squeezed Sam’s hand softly. “But not this… right? We’ll always have each other… right, Sammy?”

Sam stroked the back of Dean’s hand with his thumb. “I promise you that you will always have my love, Dean.”

Dean nodded, satisfied. Sammy was with him and they were going to do this. Together. And then? It would be just them… living their lives without demons knocking at the door. It was going to be awesome. 

Sam looked out into the night sky. He felt badly about deceiving Dean, but it couldn’t be helped. If Dean knew that Sam understood and accepted what he couldn’t, he’d try to stop him. But Sam couldn’t let that happen. One of them had to have a life. And he needed it to be Dean.


	24. Clip Show

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Postlude

Dean knew Sam wasn’t ok. But he knew Sam was with him. He believed in Sam. He believed that together, they could do anything.

Sam tried to put on a brave face, but he still had doubts. Trapping the King of Hell and then curing him… it almost seemed beyond him at this point. Sam was terrified he wasn’t strong enough to get the job done. And he knew that Dean secretly doubted him, too. Dean’s eyes followed Sam wherever he went, always watching for him to misstep… or significantly fuck up.

Sam sighed as he turned to go into the main room of the bunker. If he were going to really do this – cure Crowley – then he had better be ready.

Dean watched Sam walk away from him. He’d lost weight and his energy was really low. Dean’s instincts were screaming at him to grab Sammy up and just run away with him, keeping him safe and away from harm. But that couldn’t be – not right now. They had a plan to cure Crowley and they had to stick with it in order to close the gates of Hell forever.

So, Dean did what he could. He went to the kitchen and made Sam some soup and a sandwich. He arranged everything on a tray and walked back into the main room, where he found Sam asleep with his head cradled by his arms. 

Dean placed the tray down next to Sam and then moved behind Sam to gently massage his shoulders. “Sammy…” Dean whispered in an effort to wake his brother. “I brought you some food.”

Sam stirred and looked over his should and up at Dean. His eyes were bloodshot and his skin was pale. “Thanks, Dean.”

Dean leaned down and kissed Sam’s cheek softly. “Of course, Sammy.” Dean whispered in Sam’s ear. “You know I love you more than anything… I just want to take care of you.”

Sam reached up and pulled Dean’s arms around him, needing the contact. He wanted to believe that Dean just purely wanted to take care of him, but his brain kept telling him that Dean was just doing it out of obligation… because Sam was his brother. Because Sam was doing the trials. Because Sam was the only one who could finally rid the earth of demons.

Dean held onto his brother. His eyes were closed and his nose was buried in Sam’s hair. He was surrounded by Sam’s scent and it brought him such peace and comfort. He couldn’t wait for the trials to be over… and for Sam to get better. Dean had every intention of taking care of Sam until he was back on his feet. 

Dean slowly released Sam and took a seat next to him at the table. He moved the tray toward Sam. “Please eat, Sammy. I know you said things smell like rotting meat… but will you try for me?”

Sam looked at Dean, noting the love and concern in his eyes. He nodded and reached for the sandwich. “For you, Dean… I’ll try.”

Sam wasn’t talking about eating at this point. He was talking about everything – completing the trials, curing Crowley, releasing humanity from the horror of being possessed by demons… and finally, freeing Dean from his obligations to him.

Dean smiled as he watched Sam eat. It made him feel good to be able to take care of his brother.

If Dean had any idea as to what was going through Sam’s head as he chewed, the smile Dean had on his face would have morphed into a look of pure agony. But Dean didn’t know, so he just continued to smile and encourage Sam to eat.


	25. Sacrifice (Intermission)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Intermission

“Ruby… Killing Lilith… letting Lucifer out… losing your soul… not looking for me when I was in purgatory… for starters.” Dean had been so helpful with his suggestions about where Sam should start with his confession.

Dean’s hurtful words swirled in Sam’s brain as he continued to shoot his blood into Crowley once an hour. Sam had always known that Dean had never really forgiven him for any of that. It didn’t matter that Sam hadn’t been the one to actually lose his soul. Dean blamed him, and he’d known it.

It didn’t matter to Dean that he’d been the one to break the first seal. Sam had never once blamed Dean for starting the apocalypse… for stepping off that rack and torturing souls… No, Sam had only wanted to comfort Dean… to hold him and tell him it was ok.

Sam hadn’t known that killing Lilith would release Lucifer from his cage. And Dean hadn’t known until it was too late either… and yet Dean still blamed him for that, too.

And not looking for Dean? Sam knew that was his biggest sin to date. Didn’t matter that he’d actually tried. The outcome was the same… he hadn’t been able to get Dean out and he’d given up and Dean couldn’t forgive him for that for that either.

Sam watched the time pass as he waited for the next time to administer his blood. As the day wore on, it was clear that the cure was working – that he’d been able to purify his blood to the point that it was strong enough to overtake the demonic attributes Crowley had honed over centuries.

Sam felt a certain pride about that. He, the boy with the demon blood, had been purified by these trials and his confession to the point where his blood was good enough to do this. He’d been afraid that it wouldn’t work because of the evil inside him. 

Every time Sam would allow himself some relief from his emotional pain, Dean’s hurtful words would reverberate through his mind.

“If anyone needs a chaperone while doing the heavy lifting, it’s Sam.” Dean had said to Cas when he thought Sam wasn’t listening.

Sam wanted to cry, but he couldn’t let Crowley see his weakness. His sadness, his pain… none of it really mattered anymore. Soon, Crowley would be cured and Sam would finally have peace.

Sam would be at peace because he’d be dead.

And Dean would be free.


	26. Sacrifice (Postlude)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Postlude

“Sammy stop!” Dean cried out. “Metatron lied. You finish this trial? You’re dead, Sam.” Dean held his hands out, beseeching Sam to stop with his stance.

Sam looked around in confusion. How could Dean not have known it would end this way? He’d known as soon as Kevin had told them about the trials. Had his denial been so great when Sam was the one to undertake the trials that he’d convinced himself that there wouldn’t be a cost? 

Sam had always known he was going to die. 

“So?” Sam looked at Dean. He knew how Dean felt. His thoughts about Sam had been abundantly clear. What did it matter to him if Sam were to die? He’d still have Cas and Kevin… maybe he could even get Benny back. Then Dean would be surrounded by the ones who never let him down.

“We have enough knowledge on our side to turn the tide. I can’t do it without you.” Dean was begging Sam to stop, trying to reason with him. Sam had to hear him… he just had to.

Sam looked at Dean in disbelief. He let all of his pain flood his face. He couldn’t hold it back any longer. “You can barely do it with me… I mean you think I screw up everything I try. You think I need a chaperone, remember?” Sam was gasping from the effort of holding back his emotions and whatever change was happening within him. It hurt, but he was going to finish this.

“C’mon man… that’s not what I meant.” Dean looked down, unable to meet Sam’s gaze. He had meant it – but he didn’t know why he’d said it – after all, Sam had saved the world… without a chaperone. Dean wanted to punch himself in the mouth for having said that out loud.

Sam scoffed. “That’s exactly what you meant.” Sam fixed his gaze on Dean’s eyes. “You wanna know what I confessed in there? What my greatest sin was?” Sam paused and then choked out, “How many times I let you down.” Sam shook his head. He had tears in his eyes. “I can’t do that again.”

Dean looked down, his heart felt like it had been torn apart. This was his baby brother… his lover… laying his soul bare, finally letting Dean see everything… all the pain, all the doubts. And to Dean’s horror… he was the root cause of it all. “Sam…”

“What happens when you’ve decided that I can’t be trusted again? I mean, who are you going to turn to next time instead of me? Another angel? Another… another vampire?” Tears stood in Sam’s eyes, threatening to fall. “Do you have any idea what it feels like to watch your brother…” Sam’s anguish was all over his face. He was devastated inside.

“Hold on…” Dean interrupted. “Just hold on!” He had to make Sam see the truth.

“Do you seriously think that? Because none of it… none of it!... is true.” Dean’s eyes shimmered with tears. Sam looked away in profound agony. He wanted to believe Dean, so much. 

“Listen man, I know we’ve had our disagreements. Hell, I know I’ve said some junk that set you back on your heels, but Sammy… c’mon… I killed Benny to save you. I’m willing to let this bastard and all the sons of bitches that killed mom walk because of you.” Dean looked Sam straight in the eye. “Don’t you dare think that there is anything, past or present, that I would put in front of you. It has never been like that. Ever. I need you to see that.” Dean swallowed past his fear. “I’m beggin’ you.”

Sam finally saw – and believed – that Dean needed him as much as he’d always needed Dean. Maybe… maybe he could stop and he’d be ok. Maybe he wouldn’t die. He looked at Dean in desperation. “How do I stop?”

“Just let it go.” Dean said, trying to smile as he walked toward Sam, taking his hand in his and wrapping a bandana around the cut. Dean looked up into Sam’s eyes as he held his injured hand.

“Listen. We’ll figure it out, just like we always do.” Dean smiled at his brother, his eye full of nothing but love for him. Sam held onto that love. He let himself believe in it in a way he never truly had before.

Dean pulled Sam into a hug and closed his eyes in relief as Sam wrapped his arms around him, too. “C’mon… let it go… let it go, brother.” Dean said softly as he held Sam tight.

Sam tried to let it go – but the pain overtook him and he fell to his knees. Dean grabbed Sam and hauled him out to the car. “I’ve got you little brother.” Dean said, his voice full of fear. He pulled Sam against him, holding on as though their lives depended on it. Dean knew that Sam’s, in fact, did.

Sam was gasping in pain as Dean held him in his arms. He was trying so hard to fight the pain… he needed to stay now – for Dean. For his amazing and beautiful brother who loved him more than Sam ever knew.

“What is happening?” Sam gasped out as he looked at the sky.

“Angels.” Dean said. “They’re falling.” Dean watched as hundreds – maybe even thousands – of angels fell to earth. Sam’s hand was in his and he held it tightly, glad for the feeling of Sam holding his hand in return. 

Suddenly Sam’s grip grew lax and he slipped in Dean’s arms. In a panic, Dean tore his eyes away from the sky. “Sammy!” Dean shouted. Sam slumped further to the side. “Oh god… no… Sammy!” Dean pulled Sam against him, checking for a pulse.

It was faint, but still there. “Ok, Sammy… I got ya… I’m here.” Dean pulled Sam up with him, holding him against the car as he got the back door open. “Stay with me, Sammy… I’m right here.” Dean moved Sam into the back seat of the car, carefully positioning him there. Dean closed the door and wiped his eyes. He was barely holding it together. His precious Sammy was dying. He could feel it.

Dean ran around to the driver’s side of the car. Before he jumped in though, he pulled the back door open and looked down at Sam. He leaned in the car and kissed Sam’s lips. It was a little awkward, being upside down, but he needed to do it. “I love you, Sammy… for god’s sake… please hold on. I can’t… I can’t be without you.” Dean pressed his hand to Sam’s cheek. He let out a small sob… trying so hard to hold himself together… “Sammy…”

Dean gently closed the door to the car and got in the driver’s seat. He started the car and pulled onto the road, pressing down the accelerator. He knew he had to hurry… he had to get Sam to a hospital as quickly as possible. They were miles from nowhere though, so Dean drove as fast as he dared, watching for animals and other cars. 

“Sammy… I hope you can hear me…” Dean said as he drove toward the nearest town that was likely to have a hospital large enough to treat someone in the dire position Sam was in. “I love you so much, little brother. I don’t even have the words to tell you just how much I love you, Sammy.” Dean gripped the steering wheel tighter – he was so angry with himself for letting things get this far. “I’m so fucking sorry I hurt you the way I did… I didn’t know, man… I didn’t think… I was so angry when I got back from purgatory… and I lashed out at you whenever I had the opportunity.” 

Dean wiped his eyes with his sleeve. He couldn’t stop crying. “They say you hurt the ones you love the most… and so I guess I’m a pro, Sammy… cuz the pain I saw on your face… I’d give anything to take all that hurt back.” Dean paused and then added, “I’d give anything, Sammy… anything… to take away all of the pain I caused you.”

Dean lost his battle with his sobs, and he just let them out… they were loud, they were full of tears and his nose was dripping. He wiped furiously at his face with his sleeves and took a couple of minutes to get himself back under control.

Dean sighed and wiped his eyes again. “Sammy… if I just had one more day with you… I would make it all better… I’d let you know sooner that you’d always come first for me. I just… I just thought you knew.” 

And Dean had thought that… he’d always thought that Sam knew he was it for him. To find out that he hadn’t known… it was the single worst thing that had ever happened to Dean. 

This was worse that Sam dying in his arms at Cold Oak… because at least then, Sam had been running toward him, counting on Dean to help him… trusting that Dean would make everything ok… They’d been so young and innocent then… and so deeply in love. 

Dean let out another sob as he remembered the early days between he and Sam… when they’d truly been united as a team and life hadn’t put so many obstacles between them.

And now… this was worse than seeing Sam shot at point blank range right before his eyes by a couple of redneck hunters … because at least then, Dean knew that he would join Sam… and even if they didn’t make it back to their bodies, they’d had a shared heaven where they could be together. And the two of them together was all Dean had ever really needed.

This was worse than finding out Sam hadn’t looked for him when he was in purgatory… because at least then, Sam had been safe and away from hunting, having a normal life like he’d always dreamed of having. Even if it wasn’t with him… it had been something just for Sam, and Dean had always wanted Sam to have everything he needed.

Tears continued to stream down Dean’s cheeks. He was bereft… part of him felt like he’d lost Sam already. He’d do anything necessary to keep Sam with him. He’d proved that before. He’d make any sacrifice… give anything asked of him, just to keep Sam alive.

Dean angled the rearview mirror so he could see his brother. Sam looked so pale and gaunt. “Hang in there, baby brother. I’m not gonna let you die.” Dean had made a commitment to Sam in that church, and he intended to keep it.


End file.
